Lessons From My Thirties
A younger woman, Ivy, asked me to share with her the most important lessons from my thirties. I turned forty in January, so this should have been an easy question to answer but it wasn’t. The question stayed with me throughout the evening. These are the twelve lessons that emerged from my reflection.
LOVE AND LIFE
My mother died in December 2010. I was thirty. This was an unexpected death. She was the centre of my universe and her death broke me. In breaking me, I rebuilt in fundamental ways.
- Be present: I no longer fear death. The person I thought was immortal died so there is nothing to fear. I confronted my mortality head on. I prepare for my death. I also ask people to prepare others for their death. Consequently, I live my life intentionally. I do not procrastinate. I save for rainy days but also spend as though today is the rainy day. I do not live with regrets. I resolve conflicts with the people that matter to me as soon as they happen. I am present.
- Time and Friendships: When Mama died, I discovered the people who mattered to me because they showed up for me. I recognised which friendships I had taken for granted and which ones I had wasted too much time on. Am I always the greatest friend? No. But there are a few people I have a lot of time for. Life is too short to hold unnecessary grudges. Life is too short to waste on people who do not value you. When people show you they value you, give them your time. The gift of your time is the most important gesture of love.
- Friendships and Cycles: Some people come into our lives for a season. It may not always be apparent that this will be a seasonal friendship. Where relationships are cyclical, ebbing and flowing like the tides of the ocean, do not try to turn them into what they are not. Do not impose on them the same expectations you have of the permanent lakes in your life. When seasonal friends flow in, be present. There is something you bring into each other’s lives in those cycles. Take it for what it is.
- Love: Fall in love fully. Tell those you love how you feel about them, but more importantly show them that you care for them. Patriarchy has taught us to not give our hearts freely and express our feelings fully because we will be hurt. People’s inability to love you fully is about them, not you. Let no one shame you for desiring love and companionship. When people are unable to love you, walk away knowing you have the capacity to care for people.
- Biological families: There is a lovely saying from my community, which states that biological relationships have to be fuelled by friendship (wat imedo gi osiep). As we grow older, we should not take biological family relationships as given because we share blood. Like all other relationships, invest time in becoming friends with your siblings and parents.
WORK AND CAREER
At 33 I quit a job because I was unhappy. I did not have another job lined up. Was I terrified? Yes! Did I begin applying for jobs because I was terrified by the thought of not having a regular income? Yes! I was shortlisted and interviewed for a job in an INGO based in Nairobi. During the interview, a panel member rudely interrupted me mid speech. The panel leader apologised profusely and asked me to take my time. I made up my mind that this wasn’t an environment I wanted to work in before the interview ended. As soon as the interview ended, I wrote to the human resources manager and said thanks but no thanks. This was an important turning point for me.
6. Your skills are not institutional property: My skills are mine. My worth is not determined by a 9–5 job. We live in a world where our worth is often determined by job titles, income brackets and the organisations we work for. So long as my body is healthy, I will survive and thrive. For three years, I was a successful independent consultant, supporting a range of feminist organisations in ways that fed my soul. This was an important turning point in my life because I no longer have a problem walking out of any job. I do not fear not having a regular income. If I stay in an institution that makes me unhappy most of the time, I stay not because of the money, but because there are certain objectives I would like to meet in that space.
7. Nourish your networks: I was, and I am able to think outside formal employment because I have nourished and continue to build professional networks. These networks were built over time and are nourished through collective work, a strong work ethic and a fair dose of respect. I have given time to projects without pay because not all connections are about financial rewards. There is a distinction to be made between exploitation and building relationships. Not all of us can afford to work without pay. However, I have encountered many people who will invest in the collective vision even when they cannot financially afford to. It is up to us with resources to make these distinctions. There are times we will put our labour into projects without commensurate pay or any pay at all. I have learnt to distinguish between the places I will give my time because of the political vision, the places I will charge fully for my experience not time. My fees are not based on time but the experience I bring to the time. There are places I will take a subsidised rate.
8. Not all skin folk are kinfolk: Stop trying to save everyone out of some misguided sense of shared oppression. Do not assume that shared exclusion makes you automatic allies. I have been thrown under the Heathrow Express at the earliest opportunity by a few “skinfolk” and “allies”. Be authentic and true to your values in the workplace but self-preservation is an important part of surviving work environments. Have a community of support outside the workplace, preferably disconnected from the sector.
9. Humility: When I was younger, apologising seemed like a loss of power. I have learnt that apologising because you recognise that you misspoke or could have exercised better judgement takes nothing away from you. I emphasize your ability to recognise why you are apologising because people who say sorry when they do not believe in the apology will offend in the same way again and again. You can acknowledge feelings were hurt without apologising for the situation that created the hurt feelings. Particularly if that situation (conversation) needed to be resolved. You can apologise for how you handled a situation without negating the fact that the situation needed to be addressed. These distinctions are important because toxic relationships are produced by fake apologies and the inability to call people out for toxic practices.
10. Be inspired do not compete: We live in a highly competitive world, which leads us to look for praise from people who will never give that praise because they are not praise givers. They are praise takers. I have watched many a young academic wind themselves up because academic Y praised academic X’s work or academic Z invited academic B (a peer) to a conference and not them. This is the result of an environment in which fan clubs reproduce themselves as communities of influential academics. This dynamic is reproduced in other sectors. In effect we are in primary school all over again with cliques! My biggest competition is Awino. Am I inspired by others? Absolutely! However, I do not sit in my office plotting how to become like Z. I seek validation from people who are invested in my progress and who offer professional guidance that acknowledges the environment I work in without seeking to mire me in its toxic one upmanship. Find professional mentors who ground and grow you. Don’t join fan clubs under the guise of mentorship.
11. Don’t get caught up in the hype: In a work world that is so competitive, it is easy to get caught up in the hype. When people compliment me — which I accept — I also remember that human beings are fickle. People praise parts of us they like and which they experience momentarily. That could be as simple as challenging a manager in an anti-management environment thus receiving resounding acclaim. The next day when you exercise empathy with the same manager because the situation requires it, your “fans” consider you a turn coat. This hype is one sided and based on very tiny windows into who we are and what we stand for. Do not get caught up in the hype even when it is about how good you are at your job. Remain grounded because we always have something to learn, places to stretch and areas to grow.
12. Open doors: I had the pleasure of encountering a Student Union sabbatical officer at SOAS this year. Maxine is a twenty something year old woman who exhibits wisdom beyond her age. She never took for granted the power she had to challenge authority. She approached the decision making spaces I encountered her with confidence and respect. She challenged leaders but never with arrogance. She deferred to her elders but was never self deprecating. In encounters with young women such as Maxine and Ivy, I am reminded to give time because others gave me time. I know when to step aside and leave the door open or walk with them into spaces they may not have access to, because others did so for me. This requires a high level of self-awareness and a belief that there is enough space for all of us. You do not have to dim someone’s light for yours to shine.